Q: I’ve been trying on Maria’s clothes. She’s petite, but I have to pull the skirt up to my real waistline.
A: She has nice skirts. You should worry about her video camera, though.
Q: So I was wondering, what kind of shapeless piece of pasta would you be if you were that?
A: I think I would like to be a nicely fancy rigatoni, soft and fresh.
Q: If you answered, “dong,” I would think you were a lesbian, but you’re not a lesbian. Are you a lesbian?
A: Great question. It’s a common assumption, among my peers, that I am a lesbian. That’s why I try to make out with as many boys as possible, and as few girls as possible. I mean, that’s kind of a joke. I rarely make out with boys to prove my sexuality. I think it’s more instinctual.
Q: I was walking in the Castro the other day and I was hyper-aware of my sexuality, and I was afraid that people thought I was a lesbian.
A: Maybe you’re a lesbian.
Q: I was looking down at my shoes, which happen to be your shoes, Chelsea, and I thought, “maybe this is kind of butch!”
A: I hate the laces you put on those shoes.
Q: If you could have your hair any way, would it be the same every day?
A: My hair is the same every day. Like any given cartoon character or great grandma.
Q: If you could wear a wig every day, whose head would you have?
A: William.
Q: Do you believe in love at first sight? There’s a follow-up question on that, maybe.
A: Fucking love. It gets so much attention that it doesn’t deserve. That’s why I avoid it. I involve myself only with boys who it is impossible to love. Selfish asshole boys with drug problems and really smelly underwear. And really nice haircuts that will go out of style pretty soon. And a sense of art that I find really typical.
Q: Are you blind?
A: C’mon, I don’t even need to wear my glasses, except when I’m bikin’. Or blinkin'
Q: How do you like staying in my apartment?
A: The showers here are like Russian Roulette.
Q: Do you think I like you staying in my apartment?
A: You seem irritated yet friendly.
Q: Do you like dark meat or white meat? And I don’t mean chicken, girl, I mean boys.
A: I wish you didn’t ask me this. But since you asked me, I’ll be polite and answer. My favorite part is the butt. And I think that’s dark meat. And don’t think I don’t know what you were actually asking me.
Q: This interview makes me super aware of my language. How dumb I sound, I don’t like it.
A: I don’t think you sound dumb, but I don’t like how self-conscious you are. Actually, I do. Do you like how I always change my mind? I picked that up in driving school.
Q: Who do you think stole your lube?
A: I have a pretty good idea, but I ain’t gonna say.