1. Get artificially inseminated by your gay roommate. Freak out about the idea of childbirth and get an abortion. Feel guilty. Encourage your gay roommate to sue you for getting his hopes up.
2. Get you and your four closest girl friends artificially inseminated by the same guy. Remain friends throughout your pregnancies and your children’s lives. Decide whose kid is best.
3. Legally adopt your brother’s child. Live with him and help raise the child. Explain to others how that isn’t incest.
4. Have a kid and don’t name it. On its fifth birthday, let it pick out its own name. Save money by insisting that the privilege of naming oneself is a valuable gift.
5. Gather five good boyfriends. Have sex with each of them until you get pregnant. After childbirth, give the baby a paternity test. Marry the biological father.
6. Get artificially inseminated by your brother. Explain to others how that isn’t incest.
7. Marry your gay best friend for the tax benefits.
8. Get pregnant with your boyfriend. Simultaneously, hire a surrogate mother to carry a baby made with your egg and your boyfriend’s sperm. See which baby turns out cuter.
9. Donate your eggs to curb the costs of all your abortions.
10. Tell your kid about blow jobs before you tell them about sex.
11. Be the surrogate mother for your grandparents. Abort the baby at the last minute.
12. Play a Russian Roulette Pregnancy: Get five sperm donors, only one of which is a desirable candidate for a biological father, and toss their sperm donation cylinders in a top hat. Chose one randomly. After childbirth, try to figure out whose baby you have.
13. Pretend you’re a prostitute but only have sex with one customer. Once you’re pregnant, sue for child support.
14. Get artificially inseminated by a ten-year-old. Explain to others why that isn’t pedophilia.
15. Get artificially inseminated by your son. Name the resulting baby after yourself.
16. Tell people you’re ‘pro-abortion’, not ‘pro-choice’.
17. Get pregnant at the same time as your sister. After childbirth, switch kids. Switch back when they’re five. Ask them if they missed you.
18. When you’re fifteen, get pregnant and then sue your parents for not explaining sex to you.
19. Get famous. Donate your eggs and see who notices their kids’ resemblance to you.
20. Get pregnant and go to an abortion clinic. Allow yourself to be persuaded to keep the baby. Demand child support from the pro-life activists.
21. You and your boyfriend get two sets of clones. When the clones are old enough, tell them each to reproduce. See if the offspring is identical.
22. Leave your baby at the hospital.
23. Cry loudly at your mom’s funeral until someone agrees to adopt you.
24. Marry someone with the same last name as you. Go through the name-changing paperwork anyway.
25. Give your kids legal first names that are traditionally nicknames: Rob, Billy, and Becky.
26. Get pregnant. Artificially inseminate the growing baby inside of you.
27. Be the surrogate mother for your best friend’s baby, and she for yours. After both childbirths, determine which baby you’re most drawn to emotionally.
28. When your friend is drunk and blacked out, get her artificially inseminated. Don’t tell her.
29. Give abortion coupons to your friend as a baby shower gift. Say, “Preparation is key.”
30. Put your baby up for adoption. Ten years later, marry the baby’s adoptive father. Act like a step-mom.
31. Fill your daughter’s hope chest with condoms, makeup and morning-after pills.
32. Locate boys who were born on your date of birth in the same hospital. Stalk them. When they notice you, play hard-to-get.
33. Donate your eggs to lonely teenagers who don’t have boyfriends.
34. Encourage your sister to get artificially inseminated by someone hotter than her husband.
35. Convince your sister to let you get artificially inseminated by her husband.
36. Give all your quintuplets the same first name. Neglect to give them middle names.
37. Cheat on your husband with your marriage counselor.
38. In a presidential election, vote for a clone instead of a woman or black man.
39. Make a few clones of yourself, simultaneously. Hire illegal immigrants to be the surrogate mothers. Die before the childbirths.
40. Be the surrogate mother for an awful ex-boyfriend’s clone. Give the clone Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
41. Fall asleep during sex. Sue your husband for raping you.
42. Chose a sperm donor who maintains an afro.
43. Ask your child to pick its favorite parent.
44. Train your child to poop standing up.
45. For your daughter’s twelfth birthday, buy her a mood ring and sausage flavored condoms.
46. Take photographs of your miscarriages. Put each of them in a scrapbook next to the photographs of the objects or people that you suspect caused the miscarriage.
47. Allow a homeless man to impregnate you. Insist that he have partial custody of the resulting child.

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©Chelsea Martin 2007